I feel like I am really putting myself out there with this post.  I will be honest I am scared.  I am pregnant again.  For those of you who were with me last May in my journey, know my fears.  For those who weren’t, I had a devastating miscarriage.  I wasn’t going to say much until I had that first appointment to hear the heartbeat.  Something inside of me just says to put it out there.  My hubby and I talked about it, and if I lost this little one, I would be done.  We want a large family, however, I couldn’t take another blow. 

I have been sicker than with any other pregnancy.  I have been more emotional, and even have cravings (I never really had much of any).  Perhaps a good faith offering?  Sometimes I believe God gives us these little things to hold on to.  That little glimmer of hope we need to get through every day when we are uncertain of our path. 

Please keep my family and I in your thoughts and prayers.  I know I certainly need each and every one for the next month until I have my first appointment.

This has been one of those crazy weeks that leave you doubting your sanity and ability to juggle all the balls at the same time.  I had some extra kids, trying new parenting techniques from Love and Logic, and just the usual busy we have going on with 3 young ones (the oldest is getting ready for kindergarten!), a business, and a household (which reminds me, i really need to get my kitchen floor clean!  tomorrow??).  There have not been many moments to sit and breath.  Running with no headphones provides me those small moments of peace i am desperate for.  i went for my run yesterday morning as usual.  As i was chugging along (the joy of choosing a hilly route!)  All of a sudden i saw an older woman i would guess mid fifties running toward me.  She had short, just below the ears curly blond/gray hair.  She had on black spandex shorts with a turquoise tank and listening to some headphones (and in great shape i might add).  i can see her so clearly!  She looked at me with a big grin and enthusiastically said “You go girl!!”  This was no usual passing.  Usually i can see someone coming because i keep my eyes up looking at the landmarks.  i like to play mind games with myself so i don’t stop when it gets hard.  Usually i get a wave, a smile, or many times a quick hi.  After this woman passed my whole back began to tingle.  It started at the base of my spine and went all the way to the top of my head (all through my chakras if you believe in them).  In all of my experiences with the spiritual world, i have never before had this intense of a physical response.  i think i was just encouraged by an angel!

Moments like these erase the whiny morning and the sibling rivalry.  i believe in speaking into my kids (i.e you are kind, gentle, thoughtful, brave etc.) and dream building with them.  In our house we talk a lot about what they want to be when they grow up.   After naptime i was snuggling my youngest (3 in 10 days).  In the past he has said he wants to be a doctor who fixes cars (can you guess his favorite movie?) or a police officer.  Today i asked if he wanted to be president of the United States (we have a president book we read and they memorize), he nodded no.  Do you want to be a police officer?  Again, nodding no.  Do you want to be a fire fighter? Nodding no.  Do you want to marry a rich girl so you can sit and watch t.v all day?  An enthusiastic nodding of yes.

Yesterday was Father’s day. We all have this idealistic view of what is should be - barbeque’s, family, and throw some sports in there. So what happens when u end up at Chuckie Cheese with the in-laws and toss in a nice fight with the hubby? We had a great day! haha

How can we redeem those one day “holidays” like Mother’s day, Father’s day, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July (all those holidays we “celebrate” something)? It’s one day we are to honor someone, our country, or just to be thankful. This has always struck me as funny, one day. One day! Don’t we have 365 (ok maybe a leap year would change that)? Don’t you want to honor daddy all year (especially when that one day turns sour)? Don’t you as a mommy want to be honored all year around? i know i am asking a lot. There are those days when your house is spotless and your family doesn’t notice, in fact, they make another huge mess and you start crying as you clean it up (by the way, no one notices you are even crying). i have had those days too and boy do i just want to curl up in my bed with a book and leave the disaster to a HAZMAT crew. Stick with me on this idea though. How much would your life change if you made every day a day of Thanksgiving? What if everyday you were thankful for your freedom this great country has given you? What if everyday you were thankful for your spouse/significant other? What if you woke up every day thankful for the honor to just breath and see another day? How much would your life change?

i know you are asking yourself where do i start? Thankfully, it’s free (we all know how much gas costs), and you don’t even have to take extra time (you can even mulitask on this one). First and foremost, you have to be consious of your thoughts. Then when they start going negative, start thinking about things you are grateful for. Even if its just the fact you have a roof over your head and food in your belly that’s ok. Everyone has to start somewhere. If you are feeling ambitous, start a journal. When something comes to mind you are thankful for, write it down. i have done this before and those low times when i can’t form a single nice thought, i read what i had written before and my mood lightens.

For me, this is a soapbox subject. What would our world be like with people being grateful? For me personally, i never thought i would be in the place i am. When i was 17 i tried to committ suicide and its only by the grace of God i get to still be on this earth. Having a heart full of gratitude has changed everything in my life. In those moments when i just want to curl into a ball and cry my worries away, being thankful for the simplist of things keeps me from going crazy.

With my head back in game, i have to share with you the amazing experiences i have had through this rough time. 

i have been blessed with amazing support.  i have had kind words from people i have never even met!  At one point i had about 10 women surrounding me praying!  i have had a tumultuous life.  i can say for the first time in my life i have felt worthy and truly loved for being me, not what i contribute or do for people.  Talk about an amazing feeling!  Thanks to all of you who have given me kind words, hugs, and prayers.

Perhaps its because of rest, or maybe this was the time it has always meant to be.  i have a better vision for my business  and where it will go.  Also, my desire to become a doula has been reborn.  i now want to incorporate some sort of grief help in there as well.

This is the most phenomenal part of it all and caused the most healing.  i wish i could paint because this would be a priceless picture.  A few years ago Kevin’s grandma Bev died from Alzheimer’s.  When i came on to the scene, she was already very far gone.  From all the stories i hear of her, i wish with all my heart i could have been a part of her life.  Truly one of those women you want to be like when u grow up.  i had a picture of this little toddler boy ( a little blondie of course) running out of a white light into the arms of grandma Bev.  She picked him up with this huge smile on her face, swung him around while he was giggling loudly.  That picture has brought an immense amount of peace.  Each time i start to linger on the sadness, i remember this beautiful picture and my heart is full with my eyes full of tears of love.

i know i haven’t written in awhile.  i will spare you the long, gory details.  The doctors were not able to find a heartbeat at my appointment.  i had to have a d and c procedure (which my doctor affectionately calls dusting and cleaning) to remove the baby and i had some complications from that procedure.  i was 10 weeks and the doctor said the baby died a week or two before my appointment.  i never thought a miscarriage would affect me so deeply.  It has all been an emotionally, mentally, and physically draining process.  i am super thankful i have the best hubby a girl could ask for.  He has been my support and my rock (not to mention all the needs off 3 little ones).  Within this next week i should be back to my usual peppy self (and my “new” normal).

I woke up this morning excited for my first appointment.  Driving to the doctor’s office, it starting becoming real.  i met with one of the midwives because my regular doctor was booked(she is always a busy, busy woman).  i had the usual questions, the feet in the stirrups tests, and the ever exciting weighing in.  She used the doppler to try to find the heart beat.  She couldn’t find it.  She had to leave me laying on the table with the goo on my belly and went to get the ultrasound machine.  i told her no problem, i’m not going anywhere anytime soon.  After a few minutes with the ultrasound machine, she couldn’t say 100% she saw the heartbeat.  She had already checked my cervix and my uterus so i’m not too worried.  I have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.  It must be God’s great sense of humor.  This is just how it always seems to be with me.  At least i will get some early pictures:)