I am now 24 1/2 weeks along.  Four weeks of IVIG down, too many more too go.  Too many blown veins from the IV every week.  A doctor’s appointment every week or so with another ultrasound next week.  I must confess, I knew what I was getting myself into, however, didn’t really.  Ya know?  One thing I am grateful for is the fact I am not on bed rest.  I have no idea how this girl could handle letting my house go, and being stuck lying down all day.  One day for IVIG is bad enough (about 8-9 hours).

I have to accept this is just a stage of life.  A crazy one at that!  If you are one who is on bed rest (even modified), my heart goes out to you.  What we go through to have babies is certainly a labor of love just for a “normal” pregnancy (no shame in admitting those who have them, I am jealous!).  Those of us who have a little extra to do, how much sweeter is that moment when the doctor lays your precious one on your breasts.  That is the moment I keep looking forward too (hoping for a VBAC).  Knowing all I do is because I already love this little girl more than words can express.  All of this is worth it!

On those days when you don’t want to be pregnant (every Tuesday evening when I remember in the morning I will have to have another IV put in, and hoping I will only have to be poked once or twice), focus on that moment.  The moment when you finally meet your little one.  Know also, you aren’t the only one and it doesn’t make you any less of a loving mama.

To those who visit me, sorry for the long silence.  The last half of December and first part of January have been a crazy time for our family.  I have started my myriads of doctor’s appointments and weekly IVIG visits to the hospital.  Also, my hubby is making a career change and that has been some chaos.  Then we had a snow storm, no internet for a couple weeks, now our laptop has decided to stop working.  Can’t a girl get a break?  With Kevin working from home now, that only leaves us one desktop computer.  It got pretty boring this week for treatment (9 hours with a book and t.v whahoo.)!!  Hopefully mr. laptop will be fixed soon and my online world will be reconnected (it has been some serious withdrawals!).  Thanks to all you who come by and visit.  I promise I will begin posting with regualrity again.

I have been in search of the perfect pair of maternity tights.  I want the thick knitted ones, not just thick nylons.  I know it has been 3 ½ years since I was last pregnant, has it really been that long?  I have been sorely disappointed at the maternity sections in the stores.  A few big name department stores didn’t even have one.  One had the tiny section that was as big as both of my couches scooted together.  We have been having problems with our internet lately so going online wasn’t really an option.  Is maternity wear not very profitable for these big guys?  I remember with my last baby, I had no problems finding anything maternity related.  I just went online and one huge department store brings up a big ‘ol 0 items found when I typed in maternity as the keyword.  WHAT?!  I thought this was an up and coming industry.  I thought the demand for stylin’ maternity wear was increasing.  It seems the only place to really get clothes is online.  That’s okay most of the times, but what happens when you need something and your local Motherhood Maternity is a ways away?  You look up the local boutiques, but they are usually a little spendier and you don’t want an investment piece.  What’s a mama with a belly to do?  I wish I could give you a magic answer; however, I am still trying to figure that one out.  I still want my tights; however think I may have to settle for just thicker pantyhose.  Besides whipping out the sewing machine (for tights, I’m not sure if that is even an option) and fighting off my kids, do you have any suggestions?

I feel like I am really putting myself out there with this post.  I will be honest I am scared.  I am pregnant again.  For those of you who were with me last May in my journey, know my fears.  For those who weren’t, I had a devastating miscarriage.  I wasn’t going to say much until I had that first appointment to hear the heartbeat.  Something inside of me just says to put it out there.  My hubby and I talked about it, and if I lost this little one, I would be done.  We want a large family, however, I couldn’t take another blow. 

I have been sicker than with any other pregnancy.  I have been more emotional, and even have cravings (I never really had much of any).  Perhaps a good faith offering?  Sometimes I believe God gives us these little things to hold on to.  That little glimmer of hope we need to get through every day when we are uncertain of our path. 

Please keep my family and I in your thoughts and prayers.  I know I certainly need each and every one for the next month until I have my first appointment.

This has been one of those crazy weeks that leave you doubting your sanity and ability to juggle all the balls at the same time.  I had some extra kids, trying new parenting techniques from Love and Logic, and just the usual busy we have going on with 3 young ones (the oldest is getting ready for kindergarten!), a business, and a household (which reminds me, i really need to get my kitchen floor clean!  tomorrow??).  There have not been many moments to sit and breath.  Running with no headphones provides me those small moments of peace i am desperate for.  i went for my run yesterday morning as usual.  As i was chugging along (the joy of choosing a hilly route!)  All of a sudden i saw an older woman i would guess mid fifties running toward me.  She had short, just below the ears curly blond/gray hair.  She had on black spandex shorts with a turquoise tank and listening to some headphones (and in great shape i might add).  i can see her so clearly!  She looked at me with a big grin and enthusiastically said “You go girl!!”  This was no usual passing.  Usually i can see someone coming because i keep my eyes up looking at the landmarks.  i like to play mind games with myself so i don’t stop when it gets hard.  Usually i get a wave, a smile, or many times a quick hi.  After this woman passed my whole back began to tingle.  It started at the base of my spine and went all the way to the top of my head (all through my chakras if you believe in them).  In all of my experiences with the spiritual world, i have never before had this intense of a physical response.  i think i was just encouraged by an angel!

Moments like these erase the whiny morning and the sibling rivalry.  i believe in speaking into my kids (i.e you are kind, gentle, thoughtful, brave etc.) and dream building with them.  In our house we talk a lot about what they want to be when they grow up.   After naptime i was snuggling my youngest (3 in 10 days).  In the past he has said he wants to be a doctor who fixes cars (can you guess his favorite movie?) or a police officer.  Today i asked if he wanted to be president of the United States (we have a president book we read and they memorize), he nodded no.  Do you want to be a police officer?  Again, nodding no.  Do you want to be a fire fighter? Nodding no.  Do you want to marry a rich girl so you can sit and watch t.v all day?  An enthusiastic nodding of yes.

Yesterday was Father’s day. We all have this idealistic view of what is should be – barbeque’s, family, and throw some sports in there. So what happens when u end up at Chuckie Cheese with the in-laws and toss in a nice fight with the hubby? We had a great day! haha

How can we redeem those one day “holidays” like Mother’s day, Father’s day, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July (all those holidays we “celebrate” something)? It’s one day we are to honor someone, our country, or just to be thankful. This has always struck me as funny, one day. One day! Don’t we have 365 (ok maybe a leap year would change that)? Don’t you want to honor daddy all year (especially when that one day turns sour)? Don’t you as a mommy want to be honored all year around? i know i am asking a lot. There are those days when your house is spotless and your family doesn’t notice, in fact, they make another huge mess and you start crying as you clean it up (by the way, no one notices you are even crying). i have had those days too and boy do i just want to curl up in my bed with a book and leave the disaster to a HAZMAT crew. Stick with me on this idea though. How much would your life change if you made every day a day of Thanksgiving? What if everyday you were thankful for your freedom this great country has given you? What if everyday you were thankful for your spouse/significant other? What if you woke up every day thankful for the honor to just breath and see another day? How much would your life change?

i know you are asking yourself where do i start? Thankfully, it’s free (we all know how much gas costs), and you don’t even have to take extra time (you can even mulitask on this one). First and foremost, you have to be consious of your thoughts. Then when they start going negative, start thinking about things you are grateful for. Even if its just the fact you have a roof over your head and food in your belly that’s ok. Everyone has to start somewhere. If you are feeling ambitous, start a journal. When something comes to mind you are thankful for, write it down. i have done this before and those low times when i can’t form a single nice thought, i read what i had written before and my mood lightens.

For me, this is a soapbox subject. What would our world be like with people being grateful? For me personally, i never thought i would be in the place i am. When i was 17 i tried to committ suicide and its only by the grace of God i get to still be on this earth. Having a heart full of gratitude has changed everything in my life. In those moments when i just want to curl into a ball and cry my worries away, being thankful for the simplist of things keeps me from going crazy.