I have to accept this is just a stage of life.  A crazy one at that!  If you are one who is on bed rest (even modified), my heart goes out to you.  What we go through to have babies is certainly a labor of love just for a “normal” pregnancy (no shame in admitting those who have them, I am jealous!).  Those of us who have a little extra to do, how much sweeter is that moment when the doctor lays your precious one on your breasts.  That is the moment I keep looking forward too (hoping for a VBAC).  Knowing all I do is because I already love this little girl more than words can express.  All of this is worth it!

On those days when you don’t want to be pregnant (every Tuesday evening when I remember in the morning I will have to have another IV put in, and hoping I will only have to be poked once or twice), focus on that moment.  The moment when you finally meet your little one.  Know also, you aren’t the only one and it doesn’t make you any less of a loving mama.

I have been in search of the perfect pair of maternity tights.  I want the thick knitted ones, not just thick nylons.  I know it has been 3 ½ years since I was last pregnant, has it really been that long?  I have been sorely disappointed at the maternity sections in the stores.  A few big name department stores didn’t even have one.  One had the tiny section that was as big as both of my couches scooted together.  We have been having problems with our internet lately so going online wasn’t really an option.  Is maternity wear not very profitable for these big guys?  I remember with my last baby, I had no problems finding anything maternity related.  I just went online and one huge department store brings up a big ‘ol 0 items found when I typed in maternity as the keyword.  WHAT?!  I thought this was an up and coming industry.  I thought the demand for stylin’ maternity wear was increasing.  It seems the only place to really get clothes is online.  That’s okay most of the times, but what happens when you need something and your local Motherhood Maternity is a ways away?  You look up the local boutiques, but they are usually a little spendier and you don’t want an investment piece.  What’s a mama with a belly to do?  I wish I could give you a magic answer; however, I am still trying to figure that one out.  I still want my tights; however think I may have to settle for just thicker pantyhose.  Besides whipping out the sewing machine (for tights, I’m not sure if that is even an option) and fighting off my kids, do you have any suggestions?

I have been sicker than with any other pregnancy.  I have been more emotional, and even have cravings (I never really had much of any).  Perhaps a good faith offering?  Sometimes I believe God gives us these little things to hold on to.  That little glimmer of hope we need to get through every day when we are uncertain of our path. 

Please keep my family and I in your thoughts and prayers.  I know I certainly need each and every one for the next month until I have my first appointment.

How can we redeem those one day “holidays” like Mother’s day, Father’s day, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July (all those holidays we “celebrate” something)? It’s one day we are to honor someone, our country, or just to be thankful. This has always struck me as funny, one day. One day! Don’t we have 365 (ok maybe a leap year would change that)? Don’t you want to honor daddy all year (especially when that one day turns sour)? Don’t you as a mommy want to be honored all year around? i know i am asking a lot. There are those days when your house is spotless and your family doesn’t notice, in fact, they make another huge mess and you start crying as you clean it up (by the way, no one notices you are even crying). i have had those days too and boy do i just want to curl up in my bed with a book and leave the disaster to a HAZMAT crew. Stick with me on this idea though. How much would your life change if you made every day a day of Thanksgiving? What if everyday you were thankful for your freedom this great country has given you? What if everyday you were thankful for your spouse/significant other? What if you woke up every day thankful for the honor to just breath and see another day? How much would your life change?

i know you are asking yourself where do i start? Thankfully, it’s free (we all know how much gas costs), and you don’t even have to take extra time (you can even mulitask on this one). First and foremost, you have to be consious of your thoughts. Then when they start going negative, start thinking about things you are grateful for. Even if its just the fact you have a roof over your head and food in your belly that’s ok. Everyone has to start somewhere. If you are feeling ambitous, start a journal. When something comes to mind you are thankful for, write it down. i have done this before and those low times when i can’t form a single nice thought, i read what i had written before and my mood lightens.

For me, this is a soapbox subject. What would our world be like with people being grateful? For me personally, i never thought i would be in the place i am. When i was 17 i tried to committ suicide and its only by the grace of God i get to still be on this earth. Having a heart full of gratitude has changed everything in my life. In those moments when i just want to curl into a ball and cry my worries away, being thankful for the simplist of things keeps me from going crazy.

i have been blessed with amazing support.  i have had kind words from people i have never even met!  At one point i had about 10 women surrounding me praying!  i have had a tumultuous life.  i can say for the first time in my life i have felt worthy and truly loved for being me, not what i contribute or do for people.  Talk about an amazing feeling!  Thanks to all of you who have given me kind words, hugs, and prayers.

Perhaps its because of rest, or maybe this was the time it has always meant to be.  i have a better vision for my business  and where it will go.  Also, my desire to become a doula has been reborn.  i now want to incorporate some sort of grief help in there as well.

This is the most phenomenal part of it all and caused the most healing.  i wish i could paint because this would be a priceless picture.  A few years ago Kevin’s grandma Bev died from Alzheimer’s.  When i came on to the scene, she was already very far gone.  From all the stories i hear of her, i wish with all my heart i could have been a part of her life.  Truly one of those women you want to be like when u grow up.  i had a picture of this little toddler boy ( a little blondie of course) running out of a white light into the arms of grandma Bev.  She picked him up with this huge smile on her face, swung him around while he was giggling loudly.  That picture has brought an immense amount of peace.  Each time i start to linger on the sadness, i remember this beautiful picture and my heart is full with my eyes full of tears of love.