With my head back in game, i have to share with you the amazing experiences i have had through this rough time. 

i have been blessed with amazing support.  i have had kind words from people i have never even met!  At one point i had about 10 women surrounding me praying!  i have had a tumultuous life.  i can say for the first time in my life i have felt worthy and truly loved for being me, not what i contribute or do for people.  Talk about an amazing feeling!  Thanks to all of you who have given me kind words, hugs, and prayers.

Perhaps its because of rest, or maybe this was the time it has always meant to be.  i have a better vision for my business  and where it will go.  Also, my desire to become a doula has been reborn.  i now want to incorporate some sort of grief help in there as well.

This is the most phenomenal part of it all and caused the most healing.  i wish i could paint because this would be a priceless picture.  A few years ago Kevin’s grandma Bev died from Alzheimer’s.  When i came on to the scene, she was already very far gone.  From all the stories i hear of her, i wish with all my heart i could have been a part of her life.  Truly one of those women you want to be like when u grow up.  i had a picture of this little toddler boy ( a little blondie of course) running out of a white light into the arms of grandma Bev.  She picked him up with this huge smile on her face, swung him around while he was giggling loudly.  That picture has brought an immense amount of peace.  Each time i start to linger on the sadness, i remember this beautiful picture and my heart is full with my eyes full of tears of love.

i know i haven’t written in awhile.  i will spare you the long, gory details.  The doctors were not able to find a heartbeat at my appointment.  i had to have a d and c procedure (which my doctor affectionately calls dusting and cleaning) to remove the baby and i had some complications from that procedure.  i was 10 weeks and the doctor said the baby died a week or two before my appointment.  i never thought a miscarriage would affect me so deeply.  It has all been an emotionally, mentally, and physically draining process.  i am super thankful i have the best hubby a girl could ask for.  He has been my support and my rock (not to mention all the needs off 3 little ones).  Within this next week i should be back to my usual peppy self (and my “new” normal).

I woke up this morning excited for my first appointment.  Driving to the doctor’s office, it starting becoming real.  i met with one of the midwives because my regular doctor was booked(she is always a busy, busy woman).  i had the usual questions, the feet in the stirrups tests, and the ever exciting weighing in.  She used the doppler to try to find the heart beat.  She couldn’t find it.  She had to leave me laying on the table with the goo on my belly and went to get the ultrasound machine.  i told her no problem, i’m not going anywhere anytime soon.  After a few minutes with the ultrasound machine, she couldn’t say 100% she saw the heartbeat.  She had already checked my cervix and my uterus so i’m not too worried.  I have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.  It must be God’s great sense of humor.  This is just how it always seems to be with me.  At least i will get some early pictures:)

i think pregnancy has begun to rear its ugly head.  Last night, after dinner i sat on the couch for a few minutes to let my food settle.  With my kids running around and playing, i feel asleep!!  All of a sudden i woke up half an hour later.  My hubby was so sweet, he covered me up, turned off the lights and took care of bed time.  i could not drag my butt off the couch to get some much needed work done.  Kevin got me a pear to try to calm my tummy and i ended up in bed a whole hour early!  This morning, i struggled to get my son ready for school and just as he and Kevin were about to walk out the door, i ran to the bathroom to get a clear view of the inside of the toilet (man, i need to clean that thing again!).  He was so kind and waited until i emerged from the bathroom teary eyed thus leaving a few minutes late.  He offered to come home after he dropped Chandlur off at preschool.  i told him i would be ok and would call him if i needed anything.  Although i just wanted to scream, “stay home so i can go back to bed!”, i knew he needed to go to work (why does life have to revolve around money??)
No one ever really talks to you about the ugly side of pregnancy.  It’s all about the baby when you start feeling them, how big they are, hearing the sweet little heart beat, and the most exciting 20 week ultrasound.  They don’t tell you, most of the population is prone to stretch marks (i am already saving for plastic surgery) and the creams and potions don’t really work, sometimes morning sickness isn’t only in the morning and it can last the whole pregnancy.  They fail to mention there is a period when you just feel fat, when your old clothes are tight and maternity clothes are too big (and you look like you are gaining weight, not with child).  When i was pregnant with my first, i thought i was having a miscarriage.  No one ever told me cramps were normal and sometimes you feel the ligaments stretching (thankfully i ran across a book that explained it all).  To my childless girlfriends, i explain it’s like having a bad period with some throwing up.  To all the men in my life, i explain it’s like having a horrible flu.
Don’t get me wrong, i am amazed that a baby can grow from these little tiny cells.  Pregnancy can be special and truly amazing!  i guess right now, a little more than 9 weeks in, i’m stuck at the fat (with each pregnancy i seem to show sooner and sooner) and toilet phase.  i am clinging on to the excitment of my first appointment next week (i think Kevin may be even more excited for it than i).

i am such a bad mom.  i have to keep telling myself this is only temporary and they won’t even remember.  Right??  Yesterday i spent almost the whole day on the couch.  If you know me, you know how crazy that is.  i am a person always in motion and can’t sit still for any length of time.  i have been fighting morning sickness (who said it was only in the morning? probably some man!) and have to start off the morning in slow motion anyways.  Then, yesterday, i woke up with a dreaded migraine.  Just wrap me around the toilet and have an episode of “Kids Gone Wild” ( 5, 4, and 2 1/2 year old).  i can’t take part one of my two part migraine relief method.  YIKES!  Somehow we managed to make it through the day with minimal bloodshed and a messy house.  i even made a decent dinner which got me kudos from my hubby!  Does warm banana bread and an hour of playing with legos today make up for yesterday???